03 Mar

  The last year without my wife has been tough, but I've learned a few things along the way. One thing I've learned is you can wish the pain away, and those who tell you time heals all wounds are lying. Let me explain.

  You cannot wish the pain away any more than you breath. All you can do is live your life the best you can reminiscing the good times instead of the bad and trying to move forward. The loneliness will always be there unless you fill your life with activities, family, and friends that will build your confidence up, instead of tearing it down by saying insulting things about what you should have done or that you didn't treat your spouse as you should've. No one is in that position to judge you other than you. If you haven't been a good person, it's up to you to change that before it's too late. 

   I mention this due to a few callous people out there who have no idea what I've been through or how to address it, and it's only a few, like one or two unmentioned. Everyone else has been fairly decent to me over the past few months, but few will understand the pain of losing a spouse, other than those who have been through it.

   During these few months, I have been a little lost, jumping from one female friendship to another, looking for something that wasn't there, a connection, or something, and all the while realizing maybe I wasn't ready to date again after all. I think anyone who has been with somebody for years and then their relationship ends, is both scared and hesitant to move forward. In the death of spouse, I found myself searching for a replacement, while all the time telling myself I was doing the opposite, just looking for some kind of relationship like I had.

    Now I realize what I had with her was a special bond that probably never will be replaced. Not to say I may not find someone who fills the void but has her own individual traits that I could both admire and come to love, but special people are hard to forget, and Nancy was special, and anyone new would not be Nancy, and it's important to remember that.

   That being said, another lesson I have learned through the help of many friends is to be patient. Over the past few months both my anxiety and my hormones have been jumping into hyperdrive. I am not one to take anti-depressants, so I've learned to deal with my ups and downs on my own. The crying bouts at 3 in the morning, partially because I missed my wife, partially because I was rejected again in a relationship, leaving me confused and unable to focus on what was really important-myself.

  I am the type of man who would give the shirt off his back for anyone, I don't judge a homeless person, just help them if they need it, and I certainly don't speak badly behind anyone's back. I am what you call a nice guy, and I've found most women like nice guys, but they don't want to date them. However, I refuse to change who I am or what I do, you must accept me for who I am or not at all, which brings me to a person's worth:


1. Do you people respect you and your opinions?

2. Are you treated with kindness and love?

3. Do they respond to your texts, emails, or phone calls in a 

    reasonable time with an explanation if they don't?

4. Do they respect your privacy and space if needed?

5. Are they there when you need something, or are you 

   always doing things for them with no reciprocation?

6. Are you the one always initiating contact first?

7. Having a positive attitude builds up your self-worth, know 

   that you a worthwhile person, even if you don't feel like 

   you are.

8. No matter what job you have, you are still a valuable 

   asset to the company, even if it's something you don't

   like to do. If you don't like your job, you have to change 

  your situation to find a new one.

9. Do not be influenced by social media; just because 

    someone appears to have a better life than you, in 

   reality we must all face the same obstacles, job loss, 

   family issues, medical issues, and inflation. Do not 

   compare yourselves to others, you are unique.

10. Friends can sometimes be hot and cold, depending on

      your relationship with them, but one fact is this. If they

     give you their undivided attention one minute, and 

     ignore you the next time they see you, they are not your

    friend. Without a proper explanation, it is just rude to not

   say hello, give a text back, or call. I have run into this 

   repeatedly, and have acted accordingly to it by not

  responding or ignoring them back.

11. No matter what you've done, you're worthy of love.

12. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, do not let

       anyone tell you otherwise.

13. Always put your needs first, do not give your entire self

     unless they are willing to do the same.

14.  When you look in the mirror do you find yourself 

       approachable and likable.

   If anyone doesn't see these things in you and doesn't treat you the same way, you don't need them in your life.  This is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned.

   I no longer chase after anyone: women, friends, or even mild acquaintances. Treat me with kindness or respect or be out of my life. It may be harsh, but it's how I feel. You should never change who you are just to please someone else, because as I have discovered you and I are both worthy.


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